When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
