Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
