i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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