I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
