just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
