no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
