I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
