We won't sleep together?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i think i have two assholes
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
did i just pee glitter
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
