just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
