My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
