You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
