i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
