the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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