It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
