Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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