I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
