Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
