im six kinds of drunk right now
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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