Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize