you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
