Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
