I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
