she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
