It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
