She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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