I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
