Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
