Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize