I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
