So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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