There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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