Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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