I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
