Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
