my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
