the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
