you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
