I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We talked him into tasing himself.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
