Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
