so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
