im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
