Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
