The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
be right there i have to get my cape
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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