woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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