OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
