That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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