census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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