Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
did i just pee glitter
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
