I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My vagina just recognized that song.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
