If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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