Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
