I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
