I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
