I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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