Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
