My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
