Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think I sprained my soul last night
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
