Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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