So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
