??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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