i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm bleeding and have questions
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
