I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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